Long time no see. [31/8]

Sorry for the long absence. I've not been at the best health for the last couple of weeks, but with the end of the summer drawing close, I decided I better get this blog back into gear before I forget all about it.

So, on the 23rd or so(?), I received my GCSE results, which is literally the big set of exams you have to do after two years of learning in the UK. They are essential to getting a job, as they are usually seen as a base qualification. I think they are similar to the US finals, but I'm not sure if they do it at the same age group as us (15-16 years old, usually).
But anyway, I got up on that morning and I actually wasn't that anxious or worried. I got to my school for 9:15, and I got my results at half past. And it turns out, I did pretty well! I got 5 A*'s and 6 A's! Which means I've secured my place in the school for the next two years, to do the next step of our education, which is A Levels. I'm shitting myself but.. Ugh, hopefully I'll cope.
I think I wasn't that anxious about my results because I knew I had some grades in the bag already, like my Japanese. I got combined score of 299/300 on my 4 mini exams on it. I wasn't surprised, it was quite easy..

I also got some nice roses off my Aunt for doing the exams so well. I was touched! I've never gotten flowers before, so getting white roses made me all giddy and happy. They also reminded me of TERU and HIZAKI, which makes me smile looking at them too~

Do you reik rose?

This past week though, I haven't really done much. I went to Birmingham a few times, one for a treat, and one with my crush. I was treated by my Mum to some new clothes and stuff, which made me happy, as there's never really a time where it's all 'You want it? You can have it!'. Due to this, I got an Adidas heart bag (the same one Kyary Pamyu Pamyu has), two Vivienne Westwood bracelets, a pair of expensive engineer boots and some skirts for the new school year, as I can wear my own clothes now instead of a uniform, yay!

With my crush, we literally just walked around for a few hours, looking for a Korean restaurant that never appeared, drank bubble tea and raided all of the sweet shops. It was nice, but we should've gone to the cinema or something, as we were literally bored 5 minutes after we met each other. Shows how well I can keep a conversation with someone I'm attracted to.

But school starts again on the 4th, and I'm mentally crapping myself, as I'm scared I'm going to be violently ill on that morning with anxiety and panic attacks, which have seen to have become the norm with me. Doctors aren't really helping, as the next time I can see the consultant is on the 20th of September, which is no use, when I'm on the verge of a very serious panic attack every single morning. Probably until then, it will have only gotten worse or something. I know that not getting help until now has caused more symptoms of depression and anxiety to appear. 
Like mood swings. I've only had two so far, but booooy. They've been horrible. Laughing at a cheesy joke manically for 10 seconds before BOOM. I'm crying my eyes out on the kitchen table, wondering why I haven't got any friends left. I'm not even joking, it looks like I had stepped out of a comic book, the way it was so sudden and creepy.

But maybe I'll get better soon. Who knows. Maybe I'll even make some new friends! 
...Naah, I don't see the latter of that occurring anytime soon.

Hazy sight [17/8]

Today, I ventured out of the door to the opticians in the opposite town.
I had to go collect my glasses, as they had new lenses placed in them, and I had to go to try contact lenses again. 

When I arrived, they presented me with the lenses. I managed to put them in easily, even with a twinge of discomfort and a snivelly nose. I then was able to get the one lens out of my eye.. But the other one couldn't as easily, so I had to sacrifice my long nails, and even that didn't help. 
It didn't seem to matter, as I had to see if the lenses fitted, by having my eyes examined. 
I was left for a few minutes, and in that time, I realised I could see fuck all. Everything was blurry, and everything seemed to be distorted.
After inspection from the optician, it turns out my corneas are quite flat, so these lenses didn't fit my eyes as well as they should. It was quite embarrassing for me, as with the lenses, when she asked me to read the letters on the board, I couldn't even make out the biggest letter which covered the whole screen.  
It ended all being like: 'Can you read these?' ...'Nope.'.... 'These?'..... 'No..'... 'This letter?'... 'N...No.'
The prescription was fine, as when I put my glasses with the new lenses in, with the same prescription, I could read all the letters she gave me, even the teeny tiny ones. It's apparently just the lenses. Hopefully some other brands will give me better and less blurry vision for lenses.

After that, me and my Dad wandered around town, and had a little lunch in a quaint little restaurant. I had a little chicken salad roll and a hot chocolate. I rarely have hot chocolates, but this little place was renowned for theirs, so I succumbed happily.
Afterwards, after battling rain and wind, we picked up my prescription for my strong medicine, as I need it often to kill the pains I have in the morning, which then helps me go back to sleep.
Supposedly it's a Class B drug in the UK, so my GP was a bit wary about me having it again. People who use Dihydrocodeine (the drug I'm having) usually have a dependency on it.. Which I can say I am probably definitely developing.  
But instead of the elixir I had last time, my GP prescribed me tablets.
Which fucks EVERYTHING up, as when I'm in pain in the morning, I can't keep tablets down. And as I can't get anymore Dihydrocodeine for a while, I'm literally fucked in the mornings. Pain, can't have normal tablets, throw up the special tablets I have. Let's hope they can be crushed up and drunk with water..

Tonight, me, my brother and my Mother went to Pizza Hut to have a little meal. I can't say I truely love Pizza Hut, but I almost managed to eat a whole Margarita pizza and have salad and a desert. Hopefully this means I'm getting my appetite back.

Let's see how this week goes now!

Much better. [16/8]

Wow, I haven't updated in a while.
Maybe because I was social this last week or so. One of my closest friends came up to my little town from the 11th to the 15th. Today is the 16th, and my brother's birthday, so she had to leave then, unfortunately.

Even though I was ill all the mornings she was here, we managed to have a good time nonetheless. 
On the 11th, I went to Bath to see her and pick her up. On the way done, my stomach was relatively fine, but as soon as my Mum tried to force-feed me a Tuna melt sandwich, my nerves, excitement and stomach were all over the place. We had to detour to the Boots to get Pepto-Bismol. Seriously, that stuff is like pink toothpaste in a bottle. Blergh. I hope I don't have to have that again. 
As soon as I met up with her, we left. I wish I could've stayed longer in Bath, but my stomach said no. The car journey back eased my pains a little, as the little vibrations seemed to help my gurgling tummy.

The next day was a Sunday, and as the local Regatta was on, and it was a nice day, we went to the little amusement park in my town. We managed to amuse ourselves on DDR, cheap Purikura, the Nameko game and crying slightly at the claw machines, as one housed a really cute fluffy Mickey Mouse plush.
We relaxed in the park, jeered at the locals and watched as dogs and children ran around like madmen. We also.. well.. Stared very intently at one of the rowers in the Regatta, as he seemed to be the only Asian men there. Which is rare to find in my town anyway, so finding a nice, physically fit one... Oooh.
As my father did the registration in the regatta, he informed us he was from Manchester. About two hours north of my town. Dammit.
Anyway, here's a small selection of the purikura we did:

We did the 'nameko' face like Kamijo did. That game is seriously addictive.

 On Monday, it was our lazy day. Mainly because we didn't really get out of bed until 3pm or something. I can't remember what we did... Apart from me internally crying at the front door because I expected my copy of Amazing Blue to arrive, as it seemed to've stayed in the same place for 4 days or so. But no, it didn't arrive. Which was a little bit of a bummer.
On Tuesday, I managed to haul myself off the chaise lounge around 11am, so we could go to Birmingham. We did so many things there and spent almost all of our money. And even £50 my Dad gave me. I'm still surprised he gave me that much, to be honest. 
We walked quite a while, and because it was blisteringly hot, we were kinda of dead by the end of the day.
We both bought the ever-so-popular stud headbands, at a BARGAIN of £2.50 each, reduced from around £8-£12. Even though they're a little gray around the edges and such, it's nothing a little bit of elbow grease and glue won't fix. 
Also bought included the newest NEO magazine issue (bought solely for the reason it had an An Cafe interview in it about Amazing Blue and their upcoming tour), a coffee mameshiba plush and a couple of t-shirts for both of us.

My t-shirt and headbands. Bargains.

When the day was nearing it's end, we both decided to try out Bubble tea. I was a bit skeptical at first, but when I took a sip of my Strawberry tea and chewed those tapioca pearls, I think I was hooked. It was quite filling, like a small, sweet meal in a cup. I highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't tried it. It's like a mild milkshake, with little jellies in it. Lovely.

On Wednesday, after being woke by my father around 9:15am, I was presented with a box. My CD had arrived! I was so happy, as it meant I could enjoy it with my friend while she was still here. As we're both going to the An Cafe London concert in November, I was ecstatic. Even though I recieved Takuya's card, instead of Kanon's, as I had hoped, I didn't care. I have picked out my favourite songs on the album already, and even though it isn't as 'nyappy' as I would have hoped, I still think it was worth the wait. 

So... Bring on November!

Crash and burn. [9/8]

I thought today was good, but it ended up just being a mess by the end of the night.
I got up early again, my stomach was messing up, mainly because I was excited for a friend. She was seeing her favourite member of her favourite band, and somehow, that excited-ness rubbed off on me. I don't even know fucking why. 
So I was up at 9-10am, checking twitter for updates. I think I got excited because nothing that nice will ever happen in my life, so it feels like I'm leeching of other people's happiness. In the end though, I just become a horrible friend though, because I get jealous, which ends up with my kinda hating myself. 

People say 'Oh, you'll do that yourself one day.' but with my bloody luck... There's no chance in hell I'll ever get good luck. If my life is going to continue the way it is now... Then I don't want to live. I'm scared I'll spiral into suicidal thoughts if I'm not careful. Or maybe that's just the hormones kicking it, just after midnight. I'm not sure.

I got my polaroid camera today. I wish I had gotten it yesterday, but.. That's my luck. I have only taken one 'cheki' so far, but it works well, and I'm pleased. I just hope I can use it more in the next coming week or so.  Also, with checking the post, my An Cafe album still hasn't arrived, and it's probable it won't arrive tomorrow/today either. It annoys me, as I've waited two years already, just to get frustrated 2-3 after the release date. I would listen to it online, but I'm a stupid fan, and I'm waiting for my CD to arrive. It sounds so silly, waiting for a CD. I'm such a sad idiot, when I look back on my life. I sometimes wonder how I made it this far without being severely bullied or such. Maybe the bullies pity me or something.

I also went to a comedy gig tonight, and I saw one of my favourite comics, Ava Vidal live. She cheered me up a little, even if she was only or for about 5-10 minutes or so. It's so weird, seeing someone off TV, it's kinda surreal. But it was a good night, so I wasn't really complaining... Until I got home.

Seeing that my friend DID meet her favourite artist/member/whatever made me jealous. Idek why, I don't even like that particular person. And realising I was actually jealous... Wow, I feel/felt like such a bad friend. I am jealous of something I'll probably never experience, but of some band I didn't even like that much? It makes me want to slap my own face.

I guess I'm still upset I'm stuck in this town. You'll read over and over that I'm sick of this town. I'm sorry. Just leave me here, I'm a bad friend and person. Goodnight.

Round, round. [8/8]

Today I managed to lug myself off the chaise lounge to go out with my friends. I was going to yesterday, but I was so anxious, I didn't. I hope people don't think I'm trying to hold plans off because I'm lazy. I'm yet to find someone who finds my anxiety pains normal and understandable. I know I shouldn't let myself be held back by them, but going out and having fun kinda.. Increases my pains? I'm not sure.

I arranged to meet up at 12, so I managed to have a quick nap before then. But in doing so, I slept in and missed the postman with my Polaroid camera. What annoyed me even more, was that my Mother or Father didn't hear the door being knocked, and they are right above the front door, which means that the postman didn't even bother to deliver it properly. I'll just go tomorrow to collect it, even though I could've used it with my friends today. Oh well.

I like going out, but like many people, I don't like the money I spend while I'm out. I managed to splurge most of my money on food, hair dye and a Limited Edition Donald Duck plush toy. Someone needs to keep me away from the Disney Store, I most often come out of there with a Donald Duck toy of some sort. I have 7 plush toys of him now, and they're starting to take over my bed. I mean, I would have more, but all the Donalds I want are in Japan, especially in the Tokyo Disneyland. 
...I'm ranting too much about a goddamn character, someone stop me..

But I guess I did have a good time today. I got a nice sorta.. Shy smile off my crush, as I bought him a Domo-kun pillow. It made me wanna pinch his cheeks, bless him. I bought lots of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Wonka Nerds and Taffy from the Birmingham Cybercandy, which I have to say.. Brought back a lot of memories of my childhood, eating Nerds 24/7. I swear they've gotten sweeter, or maybe it's just my taste palette, idk. I still managed to go crazy on the e-numbers though..

I'm just patiently waiting at home now. For tomorrow, as I get my camera, for Thursday, as I may be getting my An Cafe CD, and for Saturday, as I'm finally meeting up with one of my closest friends, and bringing her back to my house for a few days. Hopefully I'll be well and happy, but we'll see. My moods seem to change in an instant, unfortunately. I just hope this doesn't make me act like a total idiot.

I bought the purple hair dye I wanted too, so I hope I'll be able to dye it whilst my friend is here. I hope it sticks, as my hair is more or less a faded reddy mess. If not, at least it will have an actual purple sheen to it. Or on the otherhand, I'll just have a purple bathroom... Whoops.

We'll see, maybe things are getting better. Or not.

Better? [3/8]

Today hasn't been so bad, just a little tiring.
I had to go downstairs to sleep this morning, my stomach pains came back, and with my sore stomach, it was no use. I succumbed to the cool leather chaise lounge in the kitchen. I hope I don't need to in the near future, especially with friends staying round soon. I think it'd be rude to get up at like 6am, leave them alone in my room, to find me still asleep downstairs around 11am. Most probably drooling all over the place too.


But I also had my fringe cut, so I can actually see again, thank goodness. With my friend, I'm hoping to re-dye my faded purple hair into a darker purple colour. Hopefully it'll work, if not, oh well, I'm tried. I'm excited about it for some reason,


As the 8th draws closer, I get a little bit more excited everyday. I've waited two years for this day, An Cafe's new album. Hopefully it'll arrive a little earlier, but lord, I'm so excited. They're my favourite band, I'm scared I'll cry when I listen to it. And with me seeing them in November, I know I'll cry then.


I know people always bash Cafekkos for being big weebs and stuff, as many people started out liking An Cafe, but I'm glad to say I'm hopefully more mature. I'm wondering which member card I'll get.. I'll laugh forever if it's Miku or Teruki, with their little scandals. But, I'm not too fussed over who I get tbh.


I think I've been well this last day. Maybe slowly everyday I'm getting happier. Aaah, we'll see.

Craving. [1/8]

I don't think the last few days have been bad, just anxious.
Yesterday, I went to the opticians to have my eyes tested to see if I can have contacts (again) and to replace the lenses in my frames, as my prescription has changed. It seems my astigmatism in both eyes have gotten worse, so I have to have toric contact lenses to correct that astigmatism. I thought they were going to put some actual contacts in my eyes, but nope. My prescription is so high, they don't have them in the shop. Dammit. The optician just put some yellow dye on my eye, which stung like a bitch. I was seeing hazy yellow lines for hours. Supposedly it showed if my eyes were 'gritty'... Yes, of course, I put gravel into my eye JUST before I came in, sorry 'bout that. /sarcasm


And today, I had to wake up early for my endoscopy. To be honest, the thought of having a camera down my throat didn't make me as anxious as I thought. Until I got into the hospital. I kept getting hot flushes, as the nurses kept talking about a small numbing spray, instead of the sedation I wanted. Thankfully, the doctor saw my panicked look, and I got the sedation I wanted. The whole procedure was over in about 5 minutes, or so I though. I could hardly remember anything, except for the numbing spray they used tasted like banana, ahaha. There was a nurse, sort-of calming me in the procedure. It seemed to fly by, I'm sure I gagged a little, but... Yeah, I was out, eating bourbons and drinking lemonade in no time. 


I should be resting now, but... I bought two Milk lattes, and I've drank them both. Whoops. Hopefully I'll crash when I've come down from my caffeine high, we'll just have to see. I think I'll just spend the day browsing online shops.
I've seen a few items I REALLY want today, but after spending £80 on a polaroid camera on Monday, I think I'll have to wait a few more days. I've had my eyes on two lazyoaf items, a spotted bag and a cute dress; and they're both on sale. The other items include Donald duck 'tattoo tights' and a black bag with wings on it. Aaah, I want it all. I have enough money for most of them, but... Ugh, I wish I could just buy them straight away! I'm definitely an addicted e-shopper... Maybe I'll be able to get them if I get good results in my GCSEs. I've been through all this medical trauma too... Or is that just selfish?


The first world problems of a white teenager girl.
At least I feel a little happier today.

Daydreamer [29/7]

I think today was both a good and bad day.
Last night, I was looking at Polaroid cameras, and after counting my pennies, I have enough for the Fuji Fujifilm Instax Mini 7s and 5 boxes of film. I love the idea of taking polaroids whenever I want. After discovering Maid and Jrocker Chekis a few years ago, it'll be cool to be able to take my own and whatnot. I've been looking at some paint pens too, so I can 'deco' them and whatnot. I hope I won't be taking them all by myself though. Hopefully I'll be able to use it with friends in the near future.


But a problem I've been facing lately is daydreaming. I've been trying not to do it, but in this heat, it feels like I'm in a little cocoon of warm thoughts. Most of the time, the thoughts and dreams are harmless, like eating a buttload of strawberries and orange juice (my diet nowadays, ahaha.) and imaging how the rabbit would react if we put her in the paddling pool (cruel, but that hasn't been attempted).
But some dreams sort of punch me back into reality, and it feels quite cruel. I've often been dreaming of an imaginary boyfriend/lover of sorts. 
We're usually in Japan somewhere, enjoying a nice day shopping or relaxing by the beach, smiling and happy together. The streets look so real, and I can almost smell the food and pollution of the cars going past on busy roads. The funny thing is, everything is so clear and vivid, apart from the boy's face. All I know is, I am happy with that person.
I often get these 'mirages' in the early morning, and what strikes me is... They're so real. So when I snap out of it, to find myself in my own bed, with no sign of this boy, it's heart-breaking. Not only because he's not real, but also because I know that I probably won't ever have a relationship like that.


I've never had a boyfriend before, as sad as that seems at age 16, quickly drawing to 17. And with what is to come in the future, I really don't expect to see myself to see myself with anyone for the next 2-3 years anyway, what with school and everything.
I guess I'm just frightened it'll be like that for all of my young life. Too busy with work, to secluded from people, different tastes from people... People say to me 'Oh, it'll happen when it happens, you'll be fine.', but to see my 13 year old brother already have girlfriends before I've had a boyfriend, it knocks me back a little. I'm not jealous of him, it's just surprising he got to go through that experience before his older sister did.


A part of me likes this seclusion, but the other side of me, the lonely side of me, probably the logical side of me, is screaming. I hope I'm proven wrong soon. I don't want to be called frigid for the rest of my young life.

Little bits. [28/7]

I was going to go out today, but I decided not to a few hours I was supposed to go. I feel sorry for my friend, I know how it feels to be abandoned hours before an arrangement. But I'm under the weather, so I don't want to make him feel upset too. It's been hard to crack a smile lately, even when I'm with my friends. I'm scared they'll all think I'm bored or something, because I have such a monotone look to my face..


I watched the Olympic Opening ceremony last night, and it was very interesting, to say the least. I just wish it was a little longer, that's all. It has many cliches and high points, it would've been nice to've been there in the stadium, I think I could've swapped places with the Queen, she looked like wanted a nap or something..


I slept until 10:30am today, and I'm just feeling sluggish now. I'm off some of the meds I was on before, but because I was dependent on them, my body is just all achey and throbbing. It'll fade, but when I want to do things, it just annoys me.


I also watched Kawaii international today. I love Japanese fashion, so seeing all the Shop assistants all dressed up, it's lovely. They had a little 'Janken' thing in there too, and I won it. They said, 'make a wish!', and of course, it was pretty obvious to me what I wished for. I love watching that programme, it makes me both happy and sad. Happy, because I get to see all the cool fashions, contests, etc; but also sad because I won't be able to experience these fashions, shops and sights first hand for a long time, by the looks of it.


My mother and brother came back from shopping, and my brother was glowing. He got a new Xbox. Of course, as I'm a jealous sibling, I got quite upset. My brother has gotten a lot in the past few weeks. It's his birthday soon, but what he's getting is way more I've ever received for any birthday I've had.
He bought a £300 bike, this £100 Xbox and he's going on a £600 trip to Austria. £1000 spent on him in the course of a month or so? 
I just wish I had a job, so I don't have to sit here and whine over money. I'm just wondering what I'll get for my birthday. I know I won't have £1000 spent on me, that's for sure. I am going to An Cafe's concert in November, but I'm not even going down to London for the whole day, as it's a weekday, and I have school. So I think about £75 will be spent on me for train tickets or something. 
It sounds so stupid and selfish, but my Mother always says to me whenever my brother gets something 'Oh, let him have this, it'll keep him happy.'...
Thanks to know you're thinking of your daughter, when you're denying her the clothes and things she loves. 


Here I go again, looking like a spoilt idiot to the Internet.
You're welcome.

Pain. [27/7]

I guess for the last few days, I've been well, by the looks of it. I still get up early sometimes, but it's not horrible nausea I usually get, which is good. I can easily sleep it off and get back to my mundane life.


A few days ago, I went out with some old friends. It was really nice, even if I had to battle the bus to get to the local town. I managed to miss my stop because the lady sitting next to me was wrestling with her toddler and a pram, and I didn't want to tap her, incase she snapped at me. So, being the idiot I was, I got off at the same stop at her, which meant I had to walk 15 minutes back to where I had originally wanted to be.
I'm not a very good people person sometimes.


Me and my friends played a strange card game called 'Mafia'. It's a bit like a 'who done it' game, trying  to suss out who has 'killed' the townspeople, etc. I proved myself to be a good actress twice by lying my way to success when I was a 'Mafia' member. I'm kinda scared now, as my friends will never want to trust me again, ahaha. We must've spent a good 2 hours or so playing that game both in the park and Caffe Nero. I hope to play it again soon, I love card games.


But these last few days, it's been hot and humid, so I've just been all cranky, full of PMS and upset. I'm still angry over not getting those jobs, so I've been looking at my wishlist of clothes and things, and scoffing. With no job, I'll get none of those things. That's my luck, I guess. That being, I have no luck.
I've also been cranky because after 250 days (or so, my Wii has told me) I stepped back on to Wii Fit to see I've gained 4lbs/1.8kg. I mean, that's not a lot in that course of time, but it still irks me. I'm constantly trying to lose weight, even if the Doctor says I shouldn't. I'm not happy with my body, so of course, I'm always on the course to lose more weight. Seeing my weight go UP makes me feel fat. I'm told 'You're not fat, you're not fat!', but no-one else's words matter. Until I see myself happy in the mirror, I'll starve myelf little by little everyday.


Enough with my whining, have a sad and morbid song I love:

Another day. [23/7]

I didn't go to sleep until 3.20am today, and that royally fucked me up for the rest of the day.
I was up at 12.30am to spazz over J-MELO, as An Cafe's amazing blue PV was on, and it was fully leaked in the morning, but after my spazzings... I feel happy, but drained.
I woke at 4.50am and my stomach pains were back with a vengeance. I had to get my mother up to help me calm down, as even stepping into the freezing cold did nothing to stop my pains. She had to hush me into a normal state, and I must've fallen asleep again in a pain-induced way, as when I woke, it was around 9am.
The house was empty, and I still had my pains. But this time, I was in a state where I could calm myself down, so I managed to have some chicken soup and get on with my day.


With SuG's niconico, the new An Cafe PV and the Amoyamo song, I was content until I came back home from my Grandmother's house around 5pm. I checked my emails, and I saw that I wasn't even called back for interviews in the 8 shifts for the job I applied for. I mean, I would've shrugged it off, but since I have an endless Summer, probably full of depression and illness, it really annoyed me. I know my luck is bad, but 8 shifts, and not even a hint for one? I know jobs go quick in this small town, but I really thought I had a small chance.. Obviously not. I just hope whoever has the jobs I applied for is fucking happy.


And I'm here now, already upset over this job loss, when the realisation of Versailles' hiatus has hit me. And it's hit me hard. All these feelings and memories, such lovely memories, I realise I won't experience them again, at least, not for a long time. 
I hate when I spiral into sadness like this, because I look upon whole aspects of my life, and realise that I'm not happy. Not happy at all. No job, no boyfriend, no favourite bands, no money, no health and no escape is really taking it's toll on me.


I just hope I'm better tomorrow.

Expressionless. [22/7]

Even though the sun is out, I'm feeling under the weather, once again.


I thought I'd cheered up a little, but with the nice weather, comes my mother's crankiness to everything I do.
She forced me to shave my legs this morning, as we were going out to a restaurant to celebrate my Grandmother's birthday. I mean, I didn't mind shaving my legs, but looking back on it, tights would've been fine on my stubble. Even though I covered my legs in conditioner to shave, she rushed me, and I must've cut myself multiple times because my legs ended up looking like the famous 'bleeding tooth fungus', with the amount of dotted blood seeping from my pale skin.
She then forced me into a dress I haven't worn since last year, as I realised I fucking hated it after the first time I wore it. I look frumpy in dresses, as my frame has shrunk, so dresses usually look like a big sack on me. Oh so lovely..
I hadn't eaten by then, and I had no time to eat anything before we left, so I fainted in the car briefly, but I managed to play it off as a quick nap, as if I had told my parents I'd fainted, I wouldn't have been at all, which I didn't want to do, as I wanted my Grandmother to have a nice dinner all together as a family for once.


When we got to the restaurant, it was a quaint little place, in a Victorian cottage-esque theme, with little knick-knacks covering the walls and ceiling. The food they offered was lovely, but once again, my mother complained. It was a shame, as we were with the whole family, and she only seemed to make a fuss over everything and ruin my experience there. Needless to say, I don't think I'll even be allowed there again. I felt ill, so we left a little early, which was a shame.


We got home, and after all that, I had a nap in my Kigu, as my head was pounding from the heat and exhaustion I had been in. When I woke, I thought about some of the things I have been saving for and that I wanted to buy them with a shopping service soon. I prepared everything ready, and as I am not old enough to have a paypal account, I have to give the money to my Mother, as she's the only one with a paypal account. But when she saw the things I wanted to buy, only a few COCOLULU t-shirts and a ROSE FAN FAN cat bag, she instantly whined about how cheap quality they'd be, and how I'd never wear them or use them... The sole reason I'm buying those items is so I can wear them/use them fgs!


She complains why I have to buy them from Japan, etc. Well, mother, do you want a list?
1.) These brands interest me, and there is no English equvilant to those brands.
2.) Those items were on sale, and I chose them mainly because they were cheap.
3.) I looked on the english 'fashion' webstores for an equivalent item, and they had none, or if they did, they were a hella lot more expensive.


So I've given up, and I've decided I'm not wearing that frumpy dress anymore (currently in a crumpled pile at the bottom of the stairs) and I'll be finally happy when my 18th birthday rolls around, as she'll never be in charge of my personal expenses anymore. I'll be able to wear all the things I really want to wear, and she won't be able to stop me. She whines that I'll look back in the future and laugh at myself but.. What if I do? It'll just show that I was actually happy and free to wear what I want, I wouldn't have no shame at all.


Okay, I'll shut up now. I've been a big whiny idiot as much as my mother has today.
I'm going for a nap.

Improvements? [21/7]

Today, I actually went out and had a little bit of a life.
I didn't wake up ill for once, I actually slept in my own bed until 1pm. Kinda lazy, but tbh, it's a little bit of a breakthrough for me. I even knew I had something potentially nerve-wracking to go to too, but.. Luckily, I wasn't even ill in the slightest.


I went to our local town, the one that contains all of the essential shops we don't have in my small town, aka clothes shops and big supermarkets. Me and my mother wandered around for a bit and then headed off to the opticians, the main reason for this trip. I haven't had an eye test in two years, so we came to check my prescription and arrange an appointment to try contact lenses again.
 I mean, I would still have contact lenses today, if my mother wasn't rushing me to put them in. I only managed to get my left contact in easily, but the right one would take 10-15 minutes.. And with my mother's patience, I only got to wear them a few times properly before she got annoyed at me with them for taking too long to put in. I tried to get used to them, but having something in my eye for the first time in my life, after having glasses from age 3... It's nerve-wracking!


After having a dizzying eye test, it was found out my prescription has gotten worse. It's not too much of a big deal, as can still possibly get my contacts, but it annoys me to see that after years of slight improvement, it's gotten worse again. I can still remember being a -9.0 in one eye and a -8.5 in the other, but now I've wavered and I'm at 6.25/6.5 in my eyes, it's annoying. 
Even though they seem scarier than contacts, I like looking at circle lenses. But looking at some nice patterns, I've discovered they don't do many 6.25 circle lenses, only 6.00 and 6.50 lenses. I couldn't have prescription ones even if I wanted, urgh.


After I had my test, I went to eat at the supermarket, but after being disturbed by screaming babies and alarms, me and my mother quickly scampered off to the clothes and toys section. There, my Mum discovered a new Donald Duck plush I didn't have, so I quickly snapped him up. He's my smallest Donald, and his legs are a little more 'yellow' than they usually are, but he was £3.99, so I'm not complaining. 
I also bought some cute blouses, one in pink, and one in white. I picked the smallest size, a size 8 to try, but when I tried it on in the changing room, it was too big around the bust, shoulders, sleeves and waist. But they were only £8 each, so I bought them anyway, I don't care. Hopefully I'll grow into them, or they'll shrink to fit me... I hope. I just wish they had a size 6 to try, but since they never expect people to be almost-anorexic in Sainsbury's, of course they wouldn't.


So now I'm back home. I'm a little pooped, but in all, I'm in better spirits than I was yesterday. I spent some money, and even though I feel like I should be saving, it wasn't too much I spent. I just hope with this sort-of.. Health(?), I can get back to doing what I normally could. I'm seeing an old-time friend on the 24th, my first crush, so maybe we can catch up over these last few years.
I kept having daydreams again, about when me and my close friend were in my town, doing DDR, cheap Purikura and singing along to our favourite songs. I hope I get to do those things again with her soon, as the weather seems to be cheering up too, and maybe more, now that the tugboats, mini-amusement park and play park are properly open.


Let's hope, 'ay?

Trying to get back up. [20/7]

So today, I woke up ill again, managed to crawl into my mother's bed with the cat and sleep until 1pm. It felt pretty good, just sleeping in the sunlight like the cat. We have a cleaner who comes every Thursday to do all the things my Mother can't do in her busy schedule, and it sometimes feels like a little fairy has come and cleaned when I was asleep, ahaha. She left a little note saying she hoped I got well soon, which was nice, as even though she has been here, she hasn't seen me as I've been in deep sleep trying to sleep off my pain.


I thought with the nice weather, it'd mean I was going to have a good day. Turns out it was half-half.
I woke to the news of the Versailles hiatus thing, and geez... It stung, but even now, I haven't shed a single tear. I don't even know why. I love Versailles, and maybe because it was of me being so sad yesterday, I'm still confused as to why I'm not crying..
I just hope for them, that with this hiatus, they can do what they want, and become happier in the process. I mean, they've come out with a new anniversary album thing, a new look, everything.. It seems surreal for them to just come out of the blue and say all of these things. Whatever happens, I'll support their decision... And on another note, Versailles, bring out your ROSE PV already, geez.


But as the day went on, the new Gazette PV previews started coming out. As a fan of this new 'high-tech' era of the Gazette, I'm looking forward to DIVISION. I haven't watched the previews too much, as the initial hype has faded, but from all the sixth guns spazzing, I'm waiting contently for the end of August.
I'm still happily waiting for the 8th of August, as I'll have An Cafe's new album in my hands, after 2 years of waiting. I've heard the new amazing blue PV has aired on Japanese TV, and I'm so excited. I think when I see it, I will possibly cry, no matter the outcome of the quality of the music.
Even though it's around 110 days until the London An Cafe live, I smile inside, knowing I'll meet my first bias, after waiting for 4 years. I'm expecting a lot more shrieks and tears than I did with Versailles, and I'm sorry for anyone who has to stand near me.


I got 'dolled up' for the first time in a long time today too. I applied my falsies, did my hair and make-up, and had a good time. It felt really nice, as it felt like I was getting back to my old self, before my illness started to occur. It takes me back to happier times, and then I kinda realise I'm getting sad over nostalgia, ahaha.


I'm just waiting now for any plans to pull through. I want to have fun with my close friend (私の姉), and get all dressed up, get fangirly, and do some cheap purikura in my town (it's all it's good for tbh). I just hope that I can wake up normally in the mornings and just do the things we want to do, instead of waking early, and sleeping into the afternoon to erase my pain, that's my biggest worry. I haven't slept 'normally' in my bed since March-ish. Being with a friend and sleeping just seems totally rude, but if I don't.. I'll probably be super-sick again. An annoying dilemma I have to face.
One of my close friends at school saw I was sad, so he's being a saint and trying to drag me out to the cinema soon. I'm very thankful to him, for being so sharp with his friends' feelings, and being able to notice things like that. I'm scared though, that he'll think he is being 'friend-zoned', but seeing as he knows about my crush, I'm not panicking just yet. I'm just thankful for him being here right now, even if it's sad he's not going to the same school as me in September.


Ah well, let's see how this next week goes..

Happiness? Where? [19/7]

I thought I'd feel a little better after I did my rant yesterday, but... I feel even worse now. I got angry at my Mum last night, as she hasn't made any plans, and with this event-less summer, I got very frustrated.

I stormed upstairs and cried for about an hour straight, nose bleeding and mouth watering all over my carpet. I don't know what got into me at one point, but I started to scratch at my face deeply. I only left red marks that faded quickly, but scarily, it felt good.

I managed to compose myself, wipe myself up and go back downstairs to face my mother. I apologised. 

I didn't even want to, after she played the naive card on my sadness. I feel like a spoilt brat for thinking she's in the wrong though. It's my 'depression', but I wish she'd be a little more understanding.

It's like when I was violently ill. I was sick 7 times in one morning, matched with the same number of fainting incidents, and I was in and out of hospital for two days. Yet, when her colleague sees my mother has to take a couple of mornings off to drive me to the hospital, she buys a whole huge boquet of flowers for her and a buttload of chocolate. I thought it was the other way around... The sick person gets those things? Supposedly my mother was 'anxious', but lord, if you had seen my anxiety attack on those few days...

I must sound so stupid for thinking that, as bratty as it sounds, I think I have been through a lot. I don't want flowers or chocolate, but it'd be nice knowing that someone acknowledged I was seriously ill and gave their support, instead of fawning over my mother for being 'so strong'.

/blogownerisabrat

I try not to sound selfish, but I really think I don't ask for much anymore. I try to hold off asking for things, as I realise I don't need them at all. I haven't bought anything expensive for myself in a while, and I'm glad.

But as the days go by, I only ask of one thing. And it seems like an 'expensive' item, because no-one can give it to me.

And that thing is happiness.

I pray everyday for happiness. I try my hardest in my conditions to work for happiness. I'm not expected for it to be handed on a plate for me, but I'd like karma to give me some slack for a day or so. Just so I can have a laugh or a smile, without feeling a pit of anxiety in my stomach.

But looking back on that, is asking for happiness selfish? Because no-one can give it to me, and I will have to achieve it myself? If so, I ask for advice in reaching my happiness, because what I'm doing clearly isn't working.

Just a rant [17/7]

I just wanted to write this to get the thoughts out of my head.

Lately, I think I've spiralled into depression.

I mean, I only say 'I think', because people have their own interpretation of depression, and this is mine. I also haven't been clinically identified with depression, so this is only my take.

I've been ill from around March/April time, with a kind-of anxiety struggle and possibly endometriosis. Every few weeks or so, I've been getting extreme anxiety attacks in the mornings, that lead to mass-vomiting and fainting. I've been in and out of the hospital, and I've seen my GP more times than I can remember. My GP thought it was due to me having my GCSE exams, as I was put under a lot of stress.

Trying to go through that exam period was hellish, as I would wake on the day of my exam, be sick multiple times, then had to be rushed to school to try and make myself in time for the morning exams. My mother kept saying 'You can always re-sit the exam!', but re-sitting my GCSEs in January when the rest of my friends could relax now, after two years of prep? I don't think so.

I'd manage to rouse myself into a well-enough state, so that I could sit my exams; and thankfully, most of them lasted no more than an hour or so, and after that time, I was free to go home and sleep off my pain.

But even when I finished my exams, I would still wake up with pains, in fact, I still do. I don't really know what's causing it, so after many trials of different medicines and drugs, I'm off for an endoscopy soon. I know that on the day of the endoscopy, I'll have an anxiety attack, even though I've been assured my one of my friends who had hers done recently, 'it'll be fine'.

I just hope it'll shine a light onto what's causing my pain, because if they tell me I'm just making the pains up, someone will get a smack around the face, both from me and my mother.

But that's only one half of my 'depression'. The other half comes with this endless Summer. I thought I'd enjoy having the house to myself, but after finishing school in mid-June, I'm starting to get bored... And lonely. It's been around 3-5 weeks already or so?

Most of my friends at school live about an hour away from me, by train, which firstly sucks. And secondly, the little town I live in doesn't have a train station, so I'd have to catch a bus to the nearest town that does have a train station, then get a train to see my friends, which would probably include taking another few buses.

The funny thing is, I hate English buses, as you have to have exact change, know precisely where you're going, and the people on the bus (including the driver) are very intimidating in my area.

And now that it's the summer holidays, everyone doesn't want to meet up anymore, or they're going on holiday. And for me, who isn't going anywhere on holiday, or doesn't have any other close friends, it hurts like hell to be this lonely. I want to go shopping and do all the normal things teenagers are supposed to do, but if there's nobody to do it with, what's the point?

Even if I did manage to find a friend to meet up with, the morning we meet up rolls around and I'll be struck with an anxiety attack that'll render me ill until the mid-afternoon.

I want to go have a fun time and enjoy myself this Summer, but for the next few weeks, I'll just be stuck at home with my computer, eating very little and watching the rain and wind hit the country. I'm seeing all my friends go off and do all these things, and I wish that I could join them.

My Japanese teacher is already in Japan, and she isn't returning until I go back to school, so the one Japanese lesson a week I could look forward to is now gone.

I have friends on the internet, but many of them live so far away from me. And I know that by September, the couple of friends I do have will be even further away from me than before. My close school friends aren't going to the same college as me, so I'll be alone then too.

I've seen the new people that will arrive at my school in September, but none of them appear to have the same interests as me anyway, so I'm pretty sure I'll be almost friendless by the end of the year.

With my friends that are going on holiday, they're going to the nicest places ever. One of my schoolfriends has gone to Egypt, and another is going to Japan at the end of this month. A part of me is glad they get to experience these things, but a smaller part of me is jealous.

My parents can't afford much right now, so that means cutting off the things that make me happy. Of course, I'd love to be able to go to Tokyo right now and spend the non-existent money I own. My mother can see I'm getting more and more sad by the day, both with my dwindling friend count, my inability to go to places I dream of, and with my health.

But even she knows there's nothing she can do about that, and it makes me wonder why my 'fate' is like this. I believe in God, but when I'm praying everyday for a change or a chance, I am left empty-handed; and when I'm spiralling into depression, it makes me wonder if my praying is doing anything at all? Or if I'm just being stupid, praying to a God many says does not exist?

People say to me 'Get a job, you'll be able to afford your own things!', but once again, living in a small town hinders me. It's rare in this economy for anyone to get a job, let alone for a qualification-less, young girl who lives in a town where jobs are very scarce? Trust me, if I could get a job, I would, it'd keep me occupied and it'd give me a small income.

There are a few other things that get me depressed, but I won't go into those, it'll open up a whole new can of worms, and I won't be able to stop.

I don't ask for much, but I only ask or wish of this, to have a close friend, who lives down the road or across town, so that I could at least have one person to talk to face-to-face, and have a fun time with. I appreciate all the friends I do have, but at the moment, I feel so empty and lonely, it feels like I have none at all.

Rain, rain. [10/7]

So today, like every other day for the past week, it has been raining here in England. I mean, I'm not going anywhere, so it's alright to sit inside and watch the rain fall, but it only leaves a depressing mood in my mind.
I wanted to go outside to learn some of Golden Bomber's 成龙很酷 dance, but with the rain, I thought I'd leave it for another day. I procrastinate so much when there's bad weather.

It feels hard to update this blog, since I have no real opinions, and nothing really happens in my life.

But before I go, a pet peeve.
People who walk slow. I am a long-legged girl, so people who shuffle slowly... Please, get out of my way. I feel so uneasy behind people like that, I am always conscious I'll trip or something...

Driftings [8/7]

So, the weekend is almost over. And I still have a couple of weeks home alone, as my brother hasn't finished up with school yet. I wouldn't mind, but living miles away from my friends, both ones I've met in real life, and those I've met over the internet, it's quite lonely by myself. Not many people want to come to my town anyway, it doesn't have much anymore, after they took out the bowling alley and all of the fashion clothes shops closed. 
I then think I'll be really happy when I can move out. Hopefully it won't be too soon. Maybe a couple of years, and maybe in that time, I'll have a job, and maybe even possibly have been to Japan. But I'm not keeping my hopes up. Watch me be age 25, still at home, slowly dying.


Watching Wimbledon today sorta cheered me up a little, though. It was good to see Andy Murray try his best, and even though he failed to win the final, he sorta spurs some courage into me. Makes me wanna take up tennis again, haha.


Even though today was unproductive and uneventful here, I guess I'll plod along, spending my Summer days like this everyday. I know some of my friends are going to Japan, and I wish them luck on their travels and whatnot. I'm not asking for gifts though, I'd probably get more upset or something stupid along those lines.


Meh. I'm out.

A new start? [7/7]

I thought I'd start up my blogspot again. Just as a place to rant about my gets, doings, feelings, whatnot. I doubt I'll remember to update it often, but we'll just have to see, I have a whole Summer ahead of me, full of nothing to do.


But today, I actually went into the scary place that is the outdoors, to the close town near us. I didn't actually intend to go, but because my Mum forgot her phone at the Orange shop, I decided it would be worth going, just to entertain myself. I ended up buying the 99th issue of NEO magazine (which contained an LM.C interview), a pair of jeans and some blue leopard print leggings. I saw some nice jumpers in the local New Look, but since I want to save my money, I decided not to.
I sometimes wonder what I'm saving up for. I have most the albums/CDs I want, and I'm not allowed to buy the clothes I really want anyway (I'm dreaming for Groucho, Super Lovers and Angelic Pretty items, which are expensive in their own right..).
I guess I keep telling myself I'll save up a plane ticket to Japan or something stupid like that. But of course, I crumble at around £100, and I laugh at how stupid I was, thinking I could go so easily.
Sometimes I bother why I try, I feel as if I'll just be as depressed as I am here even if I did go to Japan. I feel as if I'll be angry/upset for a long time.


As you can see, I can turn into an whinging teen in an instant.
(ノ_`)ハァ