Long time no see. [31/8]

Sorry for the long absence. I've not been at the best health for the last couple of weeks, but with the end of the summer drawing close, I decided I better get this blog back into gear before I forget all about it.

So, on the 23rd or so(?), I received my GCSE results, which is literally the big set of exams you have to do after two years of learning in the UK. They are essential to getting a job, as they are usually seen as a base qualification. I think they are similar to the US finals, but I'm not sure if they do it at the same age group as us (15-16 years old, usually).
But anyway, I got up on that morning and I actually wasn't that anxious or worried. I got to my school for 9:15, and I got my results at half past. And it turns out, I did pretty well! I got 5 A*'s and 6 A's! Which means I've secured my place in the school for the next two years, to do the next step of our education, which is A Levels. I'm shitting myself but.. Ugh, hopefully I'll cope.
I think I wasn't that anxious about my results because I knew I had some grades in the bag already, like my Japanese. I got combined score of 299/300 on my 4 mini exams on it. I wasn't surprised, it was quite easy..

I also got some nice roses off my Aunt for doing the exams so well. I was touched! I've never gotten flowers before, so getting white roses made me all giddy and happy. They also reminded me of TERU and HIZAKI, which makes me smile looking at them too~

Do you reik rose?

This past week though, I haven't really done much. I went to Birmingham a few times, one for a treat, and one with my crush. I was treated by my Mum to some new clothes and stuff, which made me happy, as there's never really a time where it's all 'You want it? You can have it!'. Due to this, I got an Adidas heart bag (the same one Kyary Pamyu Pamyu has), two Vivienne Westwood bracelets, a pair of expensive engineer boots and some skirts for the new school year, as I can wear my own clothes now instead of a uniform, yay!

With my crush, we literally just walked around for a few hours, looking for a Korean restaurant that never appeared, drank bubble tea and raided all of the sweet shops. It was nice, but we should've gone to the cinema or something, as we were literally bored 5 minutes after we met each other. Shows how well I can keep a conversation with someone I'm attracted to.

But school starts again on the 4th, and I'm mentally crapping myself, as I'm scared I'm going to be violently ill on that morning with anxiety and panic attacks, which have seen to have become the norm with me. Doctors aren't really helping, as the next time I can see the consultant is on the 20th of September, which is no use, when I'm on the verge of a very serious panic attack every single morning. Probably until then, it will have only gotten worse or something. I know that not getting help until now has caused more symptoms of depression and anxiety to appear. 
Like mood swings. I've only had two so far, but booooy. They've been horrible. Laughing at a cheesy joke manically for 10 seconds before BOOM. I'm crying my eyes out on the kitchen table, wondering why I haven't got any friends left. I'm not even joking, it looks like I had stepped out of a comic book, the way it was so sudden and creepy.

But maybe I'll get better soon. Who knows. Maybe I'll even make some new friends! 
...Naah, I don't see the latter of that occurring anytime soon.

Hazy sight [17/8]

Today, I ventured out of the door to the opticians in the opposite town.
I had to go collect my glasses, as they had new lenses placed in them, and I had to go to try contact lenses again. 

When I arrived, they presented me with the lenses. I managed to put them in easily, even with a twinge of discomfort and a snivelly nose. I then was able to get the one lens out of my eye.. But the other one couldn't as easily, so I had to sacrifice my long nails, and even that didn't help. 
It didn't seem to matter, as I had to see if the lenses fitted, by having my eyes examined. 
I was left for a few minutes, and in that time, I realised I could see fuck all. Everything was blurry, and everything seemed to be distorted.
After inspection from the optician, it turns out my corneas are quite flat, so these lenses didn't fit my eyes as well as they should. It was quite embarrassing for me, as with the lenses, when she asked me to read the letters on the board, I couldn't even make out the biggest letter which covered the whole screen.  
It ended all being like: 'Can you read these?' ...'Nope.'.... 'These?'..... 'No..'... 'This letter?'... 'N...No.'
The prescription was fine, as when I put my glasses with the new lenses in, with the same prescription, I could read all the letters she gave me, even the teeny tiny ones. It's apparently just the lenses. Hopefully some other brands will give me better and less blurry vision for lenses.

After that, me and my Dad wandered around town, and had a little lunch in a quaint little restaurant. I had a little chicken salad roll and a hot chocolate. I rarely have hot chocolates, but this little place was renowned for theirs, so I succumbed happily.
Afterwards, after battling rain and wind, we picked up my prescription for my strong medicine, as I need it often to kill the pains I have in the morning, which then helps me go back to sleep.
Supposedly it's a Class B drug in the UK, so my GP was a bit wary about me having it again. People who use Dihydrocodeine (the drug I'm having) usually have a dependency on it.. Which I can say I am probably definitely developing.  
But instead of the elixir I had last time, my GP prescribed me tablets.
Which fucks EVERYTHING up, as when I'm in pain in the morning, I can't keep tablets down. And as I can't get anymore Dihydrocodeine for a while, I'm literally fucked in the mornings. Pain, can't have normal tablets, throw up the special tablets I have. Let's hope they can be crushed up and drunk with water..

Tonight, me, my brother and my Mother went to Pizza Hut to have a little meal. I can't say I truely love Pizza Hut, but I almost managed to eat a whole Margarita pizza and have salad and a desert. Hopefully this means I'm getting my appetite back.

Let's see how this week goes now!

Much better. [16/8]

Wow, I haven't updated in a while.
Maybe because I was social this last week or so. One of my closest friends came up to my little town from the 11th to the 15th. Today is the 16th, and my brother's birthday, so she had to leave then, unfortunately.

Even though I was ill all the mornings she was here, we managed to have a good time nonetheless. 
On the 11th, I went to Bath to see her and pick her up. On the way done, my stomach was relatively fine, but as soon as my Mum tried to force-feed me a Tuna melt sandwich, my nerves, excitement and stomach were all over the place. We had to detour to the Boots to get Pepto-Bismol. Seriously, that stuff is like pink toothpaste in a bottle. Blergh. I hope I don't have to have that again. 
As soon as I met up with her, we left. I wish I could've stayed longer in Bath, but my stomach said no. The car journey back eased my pains a little, as the little vibrations seemed to help my gurgling tummy.

The next day was a Sunday, and as the local Regatta was on, and it was a nice day, we went to the little amusement park in my town. We managed to amuse ourselves on DDR, cheap Purikura, the Nameko game and crying slightly at the claw machines, as one housed a really cute fluffy Mickey Mouse plush.
We relaxed in the park, jeered at the locals and watched as dogs and children ran around like madmen. We also.. well.. Stared very intently at one of the rowers in the Regatta, as he seemed to be the only Asian men there. Which is rare to find in my town anyway, so finding a nice, physically fit one... Oooh.
As my father did the registration in the regatta, he informed us he was from Manchester. About two hours north of my town. Dammit.
Anyway, here's a small selection of the purikura we did:

We did the 'nameko' face like Kamijo did. That game is seriously addictive.

 On Monday, it was our lazy day. Mainly because we didn't really get out of bed until 3pm or something. I can't remember what we did... Apart from me internally crying at the front door because I expected my copy of Amazing Blue to arrive, as it seemed to've stayed in the same place for 4 days or so. But no, it didn't arrive. Which was a little bit of a bummer.
On Tuesday, I managed to haul myself off the chaise lounge around 11am, so we could go to Birmingham. We did so many things there and spent almost all of our money. And even £50 my Dad gave me. I'm still surprised he gave me that much, to be honest. 
We walked quite a while, and because it was blisteringly hot, we were kinda of dead by the end of the day.
We both bought the ever-so-popular stud headbands, at a BARGAIN of £2.50 each, reduced from around £8-£12. Even though they're a little gray around the edges and such, it's nothing a little bit of elbow grease and glue won't fix. 
Also bought included the newest NEO magazine issue (bought solely for the reason it had an An Cafe interview in it about Amazing Blue and their upcoming tour), a coffee mameshiba plush and a couple of t-shirts for both of us.

My t-shirt and headbands. Bargains.

When the day was nearing it's end, we both decided to try out Bubble tea. I was a bit skeptical at first, but when I took a sip of my Strawberry tea and chewed those tapioca pearls, I think I was hooked. It was quite filling, like a small, sweet meal in a cup. I highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't tried it. It's like a mild milkshake, with little jellies in it. Lovely.

On Wednesday, after being woke by my father around 9:15am, I was presented with a box. My CD had arrived! I was so happy, as it meant I could enjoy it with my friend while she was still here. As we're both going to the An Cafe London concert in November, I was ecstatic. Even though I recieved Takuya's card, instead of Kanon's, as I had hoped, I didn't care. I have picked out my favourite songs on the album already, and even though it isn't as 'nyappy' as I would have hoped, I still think it was worth the wait. 

So... Bring on November!

Crash and burn. [9/8]

I thought today was good, but it ended up just being a mess by the end of the night.
I got up early again, my stomach was messing up, mainly because I was excited for a friend. She was seeing her favourite member of her favourite band, and somehow, that excited-ness rubbed off on me. I don't even know fucking why. 
So I was up at 9-10am, checking twitter for updates. I think I got excited because nothing that nice will ever happen in my life, so it feels like I'm leeching of other people's happiness. In the end though, I just become a horrible friend though, because I get jealous, which ends up with my kinda hating myself. 

People say 'Oh, you'll do that yourself one day.' but with my bloody luck... There's no chance in hell I'll ever get good luck. If my life is going to continue the way it is now... Then I don't want to live. I'm scared I'll spiral into suicidal thoughts if I'm not careful. Or maybe that's just the hormones kicking it, just after midnight. I'm not sure.

I got my polaroid camera today. I wish I had gotten it yesterday, but.. That's my luck. I have only taken one 'cheki' so far, but it works well, and I'm pleased. I just hope I can use it more in the next coming week or so.  Also, with checking the post, my An Cafe album still hasn't arrived, and it's probable it won't arrive tomorrow/today either. It annoys me, as I've waited two years already, just to get frustrated 2-3 after the release date. I would listen to it online, but I'm a stupid fan, and I'm waiting for my CD to arrive. It sounds so silly, waiting for a CD. I'm such a sad idiot, when I look back on my life. I sometimes wonder how I made it this far without being severely bullied or such. Maybe the bullies pity me or something.

I also went to a comedy gig tonight, and I saw one of my favourite comics, Ava Vidal live. She cheered me up a little, even if she was only or for about 5-10 minutes or so. It's so weird, seeing someone off TV, it's kinda surreal. But it was a good night, so I wasn't really complaining... Until I got home.

Seeing that my friend DID meet her favourite artist/member/whatever made me jealous. Idek why, I don't even like that particular person. And realising I was actually jealous... Wow, I feel/felt like such a bad friend. I am jealous of something I'll probably never experience, but of some band I didn't even like that much? It makes me want to slap my own face.

I guess I'm still upset I'm stuck in this town. You'll read over and over that I'm sick of this town. I'm sorry. Just leave me here, I'm a bad friend and person. Goodnight.

Round, round. [8/8]

Today I managed to lug myself off the chaise lounge to go out with my friends. I was going to yesterday, but I was so anxious, I didn't. I hope people don't think I'm trying to hold plans off because I'm lazy. I'm yet to find someone who finds my anxiety pains normal and understandable. I know I shouldn't let myself be held back by them, but going out and having fun kinda.. Increases my pains? I'm not sure.

I arranged to meet up at 12, so I managed to have a quick nap before then. But in doing so, I slept in and missed the postman with my Polaroid camera. What annoyed me even more, was that my Mother or Father didn't hear the door being knocked, and they are right above the front door, which means that the postman didn't even bother to deliver it properly. I'll just go tomorrow to collect it, even though I could've used it with my friends today. Oh well.

I like going out, but like many people, I don't like the money I spend while I'm out. I managed to splurge most of my money on food, hair dye and a Limited Edition Donald Duck plush toy. Someone needs to keep me away from the Disney Store, I most often come out of there with a Donald Duck toy of some sort. I have 7 plush toys of him now, and they're starting to take over my bed. I mean, I would have more, but all the Donalds I want are in Japan, especially in the Tokyo Disneyland. 
...I'm ranting too much about a goddamn character, someone stop me..

But I guess I did have a good time today. I got a nice sorta.. Shy smile off my crush, as I bought him a Domo-kun pillow. It made me wanna pinch his cheeks, bless him. I bought lots of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Wonka Nerds and Taffy from the Birmingham Cybercandy, which I have to say.. Brought back a lot of memories of my childhood, eating Nerds 24/7. I swear they've gotten sweeter, or maybe it's just my taste palette, idk. I still managed to go crazy on the e-numbers though..

I'm just patiently waiting at home now. For tomorrow, as I get my camera, for Thursday, as I may be getting my An Cafe CD, and for Saturday, as I'm finally meeting up with one of my closest friends, and bringing her back to my house for a few days. Hopefully I'll be well and happy, but we'll see. My moods seem to change in an instant, unfortunately. I just hope this doesn't make me act like a total idiot.

I bought the purple hair dye I wanted too, so I hope I'll be able to dye it whilst my friend is here. I hope it sticks, as my hair is more or less a faded reddy mess. If not, at least it will have an actual purple sheen to it. Or on the otherhand, I'll just have a purple bathroom... Whoops.

We'll see, maybe things are getting better. Or not.

Better? [3/8]

Today hasn't been so bad, just a little tiring.
I had to go downstairs to sleep this morning, my stomach pains came back, and with my sore stomach, it was no use. I succumbed to the cool leather chaise lounge in the kitchen. I hope I don't need to in the near future, especially with friends staying round soon. I think it'd be rude to get up at like 6am, leave them alone in my room, to find me still asleep downstairs around 11am. Most probably drooling all over the place too.


But I also had my fringe cut, so I can actually see again, thank goodness. With my friend, I'm hoping to re-dye my faded purple hair into a darker purple colour. Hopefully it'll work, if not, oh well, I'm tried. I'm excited about it for some reason,


As the 8th draws closer, I get a little bit more excited everyday. I've waited two years for this day, An Cafe's new album. Hopefully it'll arrive a little earlier, but lord, I'm so excited. They're my favourite band, I'm scared I'll cry when I listen to it. And with me seeing them in November, I know I'll cry then.


I know people always bash Cafekkos for being big weebs and stuff, as many people started out liking An Cafe, but I'm glad to say I'm hopefully more mature. I'm wondering which member card I'll get.. I'll laugh forever if it's Miku or Teruki, with their little scandals. But, I'm not too fussed over who I get tbh.


I think I've been well this last day. Maybe slowly everyday I'm getting happier. Aaah, we'll see.

Craving. [1/8]

I don't think the last few days have been bad, just anxious.
Yesterday, I went to the opticians to have my eyes tested to see if I can have contacts (again) and to replace the lenses in my frames, as my prescription has changed. It seems my astigmatism in both eyes have gotten worse, so I have to have toric contact lenses to correct that astigmatism. I thought they were going to put some actual contacts in my eyes, but nope. My prescription is so high, they don't have them in the shop. Dammit. The optician just put some yellow dye on my eye, which stung like a bitch. I was seeing hazy yellow lines for hours. Supposedly it showed if my eyes were 'gritty'... Yes, of course, I put gravel into my eye JUST before I came in, sorry 'bout that. /sarcasm


And today, I had to wake up early for my endoscopy. To be honest, the thought of having a camera down my throat didn't make me as anxious as I thought. Until I got into the hospital. I kept getting hot flushes, as the nurses kept talking about a small numbing spray, instead of the sedation I wanted. Thankfully, the doctor saw my panicked look, and I got the sedation I wanted. The whole procedure was over in about 5 minutes, or so I though. I could hardly remember anything, except for the numbing spray they used tasted like banana, ahaha. There was a nurse, sort-of calming me in the procedure. It seemed to fly by, I'm sure I gagged a little, but... Yeah, I was out, eating bourbons and drinking lemonade in no time. 


I should be resting now, but... I bought two Milk lattes, and I've drank them both. Whoops. Hopefully I'll crash when I've come down from my caffeine high, we'll just have to see. I think I'll just spend the day browsing online shops.
I've seen a few items I REALLY want today, but after spending £80 on a polaroid camera on Monday, I think I'll have to wait a few more days. I've had my eyes on two lazyoaf items, a spotted bag and a cute dress; and they're both on sale. The other items include Donald duck 'tattoo tights' and a black bag with wings on it. Aaah, I want it all. I have enough money for most of them, but... Ugh, I wish I could just buy them straight away! I'm definitely an addicted e-shopper... Maybe I'll be able to get them if I get good results in my GCSEs. I've been through all this medical trauma too... Or is that just selfish?


The first world problems of a white teenager girl.
At least I feel a little happier today.