Daydreamer [29/7]

I think today was both a good and bad day.
Last night, I was looking at Polaroid cameras, and after counting my pennies, I have enough for the Fuji Fujifilm Instax Mini 7s and 5 boxes of film. I love the idea of taking polaroids whenever I want. After discovering Maid and Jrocker Chekis a few years ago, it'll be cool to be able to take my own and whatnot. I've been looking at some paint pens too, so I can 'deco' them and whatnot. I hope I won't be taking them all by myself though. Hopefully I'll be able to use it with friends in the near future.


But a problem I've been facing lately is daydreaming. I've been trying not to do it, but in this heat, it feels like I'm in a little cocoon of warm thoughts. Most of the time, the thoughts and dreams are harmless, like eating a buttload of strawberries and orange juice (my diet nowadays, ahaha.) and imaging how the rabbit would react if we put her in the paddling pool (cruel, but that hasn't been attempted).
But some dreams sort of punch me back into reality, and it feels quite cruel. I've often been dreaming of an imaginary boyfriend/lover of sorts. 
We're usually in Japan somewhere, enjoying a nice day shopping or relaxing by the beach, smiling and happy together. The streets look so real, and I can almost smell the food and pollution of the cars going past on busy roads. The funny thing is, everything is so clear and vivid, apart from the boy's face. All I know is, I am happy with that person.
I often get these 'mirages' in the early morning, and what strikes me is... They're so real. So when I snap out of it, to find myself in my own bed, with no sign of this boy, it's heart-breaking. Not only because he's not real, but also because I know that I probably won't ever have a relationship like that.


I've never had a boyfriend before, as sad as that seems at age 16, quickly drawing to 17. And with what is to come in the future, I really don't expect to see myself to see myself with anyone for the next 2-3 years anyway, what with school and everything.
I guess I'm just frightened it'll be like that for all of my young life. Too busy with work, to secluded from people, different tastes from people... People say to me 'Oh, it'll happen when it happens, you'll be fine.', but to see my 13 year old brother already have girlfriends before I've had a boyfriend, it knocks me back a little. I'm not jealous of him, it's just surprising he got to go through that experience before his older sister did.


A part of me likes this seclusion, but the other side of me, the lonely side of me, probably the logical side of me, is screaming. I hope I'm proven wrong soon. I don't want to be called frigid for the rest of my young life.

Little bits. [28/7]

I was going to go out today, but I decided not to a few hours I was supposed to go. I feel sorry for my friend, I know how it feels to be abandoned hours before an arrangement. But I'm under the weather, so I don't want to make him feel upset too. It's been hard to crack a smile lately, even when I'm with my friends. I'm scared they'll all think I'm bored or something, because I have such a monotone look to my face..


I watched the Olympic Opening ceremony last night, and it was very interesting, to say the least. I just wish it was a little longer, that's all. It has many cliches and high points, it would've been nice to've been there in the stadium, I think I could've swapped places with the Queen, she looked like wanted a nap or something..


I slept until 10:30am today, and I'm just feeling sluggish now. I'm off some of the meds I was on before, but because I was dependent on them, my body is just all achey and throbbing. It'll fade, but when I want to do things, it just annoys me.


I also watched Kawaii international today. I love Japanese fashion, so seeing all the Shop assistants all dressed up, it's lovely. They had a little 'Janken' thing in there too, and I won it. They said, 'make a wish!', and of course, it was pretty obvious to me what I wished for. I love watching that programme, it makes me both happy and sad. Happy, because I get to see all the cool fashions, contests, etc; but also sad because I won't be able to experience these fashions, shops and sights first hand for a long time, by the looks of it.


My mother and brother came back from shopping, and my brother was glowing. He got a new Xbox. Of course, as I'm a jealous sibling, I got quite upset. My brother has gotten a lot in the past few weeks. It's his birthday soon, but what he's getting is way more I've ever received for any birthday I've had.
He bought a £300 bike, this £100 Xbox and he's going on a £600 trip to Austria. £1000 spent on him in the course of a month or so? 
I just wish I had a job, so I don't have to sit here and whine over money. I'm just wondering what I'll get for my birthday. I know I won't have £1000 spent on me, that's for sure. I am going to An Cafe's concert in November, but I'm not even going down to London for the whole day, as it's a weekday, and I have school. So I think about £75 will be spent on me for train tickets or something. 
It sounds so stupid and selfish, but my Mother always says to me whenever my brother gets something 'Oh, let him have this, it'll keep him happy.'...
Thanks to know you're thinking of your daughter, when you're denying her the clothes and things she loves. 


Here I go again, looking like a spoilt idiot to the Internet.
You're welcome.

Pain. [27/7]

I guess for the last few days, I've been well, by the looks of it. I still get up early sometimes, but it's not horrible nausea I usually get, which is good. I can easily sleep it off and get back to my mundane life.


A few days ago, I went out with some old friends. It was really nice, even if I had to battle the bus to get to the local town. I managed to miss my stop because the lady sitting next to me was wrestling with her toddler and a pram, and I didn't want to tap her, incase she snapped at me. So, being the idiot I was, I got off at the same stop at her, which meant I had to walk 15 minutes back to where I had originally wanted to be.
I'm not a very good people person sometimes.


Me and my friends played a strange card game called 'Mafia'. It's a bit like a 'who done it' game, trying  to suss out who has 'killed' the townspeople, etc. I proved myself to be a good actress twice by lying my way to success when I was a 'Mafia' member. I'm kinda scared now, as my friends will never want to trust me again, ahaha. We must've spent a good 2 hours or so playing that game both in the park and Caffe Nero. I hope to play it again soon, I love card games.


But these last few days, it's been hot and humid, so I've just been all cranky, full of PMS and upset. I'm still angry over not getting those jobs, so I've been looking at my wishlist of clothes and things, and scoffing. With no job, I'll get none of those things. That's my luck, I guess. That being, I have no luck.
I've also been cranky because after 250 days (or so, my Wii has told me) I stepped back on to Wii Fit to see I've gained 4lbs/1.8kg. I mean, that's not a lot in that course of time, but it still irks me. I'm constantly trying to lose weight, even if the Doctor says I shouldn't. I'm not happy with my body, so of course, I'm always on the course to lose more weight. Seeing my weight go UP makes me feel fat. I'm told 'You're not fat, you're not fat!', but no-one else's words matter. Until I see myself happy in the mirror, I'll starve myelf little by little everyday.


Enough with my whining, have a sad and morbid song I love:

Another day. [23/7]

I didn't go to sleep until 3.20am today, and that royally fucked me up for the rest of the day.
I was up at 12.30am to spazz over J-MELO, as An Cafe's amazing blue PV was on, and it was fully leaked in the morning, but after my spazzings... I feel happy, but drained.
I woke at 4.50am and my stomach pains were back with a vengeance. I had to get my mother up to help me calm down, as even stepping into the freezing cold did nothing to stop my pains. She had to hush me into a normal state, and I must've fallen asleep again in a pain-induced way, as when I woke, it was around 9am.
The house was empty, and I still had my pains. But this time, I was in a state where I could calm myself down, so I managed to have some chicken soup and get on with my day.


With SuG's niconico, the new An Cafe PV and the Amoyamo song, I was content until I came back home from my Grandmother's house around 5pm. I checked my emails, and I saw that I wasn't even called back for interviews in the 8 shifts for the job I applied for. I mean, I would've shrugged it off, but since I have an endless Summer, probably full of depression and illness, it really annoyed me. I know my luck is bad, but 8 shifts, and not even a hint for one? I know jobs go quick in this small town, but I really thought I had a small chance.. Obviously not. I just hope whoever has the jobs I applied for is fucking happy.


And I'm here now, already upset over this job loss, when the realisation of Versailles' hiatus has hit me. And it's hit me hard. All these feelings and memories, such lovely memories, I realise I won't experience them again, at least, not for a long time. 
I hate when I spiral into sadness like this, because I look upon whole aspects of my life, and realise that I'm not happy. Not happy at all. No job, no boyfriend, no favourite bands, no money, no health and no escape is really taking it's toll on me.


I just hope I'm better tomorrow.

Expressionless. [22/7]

Even though the sun is out, I'm feeling under the weather, once again.


I thought I'd cheered up a little, but with the nice weather, comes my mother's crankiness to everything I do.
She forced me to shave my legs this morning, as we were going out to a restaurant to celebrate my Grandmother's birthday. I mean, I didn't mind shaving my legs, but looking back on it, tights would've been fine on my stubble. Even though I covered my legs in conditioner to shave, she rushed me, and I must've cut myself multiple times because my legs ended up looking like the famous 'bleeding tooth fungus', with the amount of dotted blood seeping from my pale skin.
She then forced me into a dress I haven't worn since last year, as I realised I fucking hated it after the first time I wore it. I look frumpy in dresses, as my frame has shrunk, so dresses usually look like a big sack on me. Oh so lovely..
I hadn't eaten by then, and I had no time to eat anything before we left, so I fainted in the car briefly, but I managed to play it off as a quick nap, as if I had told my parents I'd fainted, I wouldn't have been at all, which I didn't want to do, as I wanted my Grandmother to have a nice dinner all together as a family for once.


When we got to the restaurant, it was a quaint little place, in a Victorian cottage-esque theme, with little knick-knacks covering the walls and ceiling. The food they offered was lovely, but once again, my mother complained. It was a shame, as we were with the whole family, and she only seemed to make a fuss over everything and ruin my experience there. Needless to say, I don't think I'll even be allowed there again. I felt ill, so we left a little early, which was a shame.


We got home, and after all that, I had a nap in my Kigu, as my head was pounding from the heat and exhaustion I had been in. When I woke, I thought about some of the things I have been saving for and that I wanted to buy them with a shopping service soon. I prepared everything ready, and as I am not old enough to have a paypal account, I have to give the money to my Mother, as she's the only one with a paypal account. But when she saw the things I wanted to buy, only a few COCOLULU t-shirts and a ROSE FAN FAN cat bag, she instantly whined about how cheap quality they'd be, and how I'd never wear them or use them... The sole reason I'm buying those items is so I can wear them/use them fgs!


She complains why I have to buy them from Japan, etc. Well, mother, do you want a list?
1.) These brands interest me, and there is no English equvilant to those brands.
2.) Those items were on sale, and I chose them mainly because they were cheap.
3.) I looked on the english 'fashion' webstores for an equivalent item, and they had none, or if they did, they were a hella lot more expensive.


So I've given up, and I've decided I'm not wearing that frumpy dress anymore (currently in a crumpled pile at the bottom of the stairs) and I'll be finally happy when my 18th birthday rolls around, as she'll never be in charge of my personal expenses anymore. I'll be able to wear all the things I really want to wear, and she won't be able to stop me. She whines that I'll look back in the future and laugh at myself but.. What if I do? It'll just show that I was actually happy and free to wear what I want, I wouldn't have no shame at all.


Okay, I'll shut up now. I've been a big whiny idiot as much as my mother has today.
I'm going for a nap.

Improvements? [21/7]

Today, I actually went out and had a little bit of a life.
I didn't wake up ill for once, I actually slept in my own bed until 1pm. Kinda lazy, but tbh, it's a little bit of a breakthrough for me. I even knew I had something potentially nerve-wracking to go to too, but.. Luckily, I wasn't even ill in the slightest.


I went to our local town, the one that contains all of the essential shops we don't have in my small town, aka clothes shops and big supermarkets. Me and my mother wandered around for a bit and then headed off to the opticians, the main reason for this trip. I haven't had an eye test in two years, so we came to check my prescription and arrange an appointment to try contact lenses again.
 I mean, I would still have contact lenses today, if my mother wasn't rushing me to put them in. I only managed to get my left contact in easily, but the right one would take 10-15 minutes.. And with my mother's patience, I only got to wear them a few times properly before she got annoyed at me with them for taking too long to put in. I tried to get used to them, but having something in my eye for the first time in my life, after having glasses from age 3... It's nerve-wracking!


After having a dizzying eye test, it was found out my prescription has gotten worse. It's not too much of a big deal, as can still possibly get my contacts, but it annoys me to see that after years of slight improvement, it's gotten worse again. I can still remember being a -9.0 in one eye and a -8.5 in the other, but now I've wavered and I'm at 6.25/6.5 in my eyes, it's annoying. 
Even though they seem scarier than contacts, I like looking at circle lenses. But looking at some nice patterns, I've discovered they don't do many 6.25 circle lenses, only 6.00 and 6.50 lenses. I couldn't have prescription ones even if I wanted, urgh.


After I had my test, I went to eat at the supermarket, but after being disturbed by screaming babies and alarms, me and my mother quickly scampered off to the clothes and toys section. There, my Mum discovered a new Donald Duck plush I didn't have, so I quickly snapped him up. He's my smallest Donald, and his legs are a little more 'yellow' than they usually are, but he was £3.99, so I'm not complaining. 
I also bought some cute blouses, one in pink, and one in white. I picked the smallest size, a size 8 to try, but when I tried it on in the changing room, it was too big around the bust, shoulders, sleeves and waist. But they were only £8 each, so I bought them anyway, I don't care. Hopefully I'll grow into them, or they'll shrink to fit me... I hope. I just wish they had a size 6 to try, but since they never expect people to be almost-anorexic in Sainsbury's, of course they wouldn't.


So now I'm back home. I'm a little pooped, but in all, I'm in better spirits than I was yesterday. I spent some money, and even though I feel like I should be saving, it wasn't too much I spent. I just hope with this sort-of.. Health(?), I can get back to doing what I normally could. I'm seeing an old-time friend on the 24th, my first crush, so maybe we can catch up over these last few years.
I kept having daydreams again, about when me and my close friend were in my town, doing DDR, cheap Purikura and singing along to our favourite songs. I hope I get to do those things again with her soon, as the weather seems to be cheering up too, and maybe more, now that the tugboats, mini-amusement park and play park are properly open.


Let's hope, 'ay?

Trying to get back up. [20/7]

So today, I woke up ill again, managed to crawl into my mother's bed with the cat and sleep until 1pm. It felt pretty good, just sleeping in the sunlight like the cat. We have a cleaner who comes every Thursday to do all the things my Mother can't do in her busy schedule, and it sometimes feels like a little fairy has come and cleaned when I was asleep, ahaha. She left a little note saying she hoped I got well soon, which was nice, as even though she has been here, she hasn't seen me as I've been in deep sleep trying to sleep off my pain.


I thought with the nice weather, it'd mean I was going to have a good day. Turns out it was half-half.
I woke to the news of the Versailles hiatus thing, and geez... It stung, but even now, I haven't shed a single tear. I don't even know why. I love Versailles, and maybe because it was of me being so sad yesterday, I'm still confused as to why I'm not crying..
I just hope for them, that with this hiatus, they can do what they want, and become happier in the process. I mean, they've come out with a new anniversary album thing, a new look, everything.. It seems surreal for them to just come out of the blue and say all of these things. Whatever happens, I'll support their decision... And on another note, Versailles, bring out your ROSE PV already, geez.


But as the day went on, the new Gazette PV previews started coming out. As a fan of this new 'high-tech' era of the Gazette, I'm looking forward to DIVISION. I haven't watched the previews too much, as the initial hype has faded, but from all the sixth guns spazzing, I'm waiting contently for the end of August.
I'm still happily waiting for the 8th of August, as I'll have An Cafe's new album in my hands, after 2 years of waiting. I've heard the new amazing blue PV has aired on Japanese TV, and I'm so excited. I think when I see it, I will possibly cry, no matter the outcome of the quality of the music.
Even though it's around 110 days until the London An Cafe live, I smile inside, knowing I'll meet my first bias, after waiting for 4 years. I'm expecting a lot more shrieks and tears than I did with Versailles, and I'm sorry for anyone who has to stand near me.


I got 'dolled up' for the first time in a long time today too. I applied my falsies, did my hair and make-up, and had a good time. It felt really nice, as it felt like I was getting back to my old self, before my illness started to occur. It takes me back to happier times, and then I kinda realise I'm getting sad over nostalgia, ahaha.


I'm just waiting now for any plans to pull through. I want to have fun with my close friend (私の姉), and get all dressed up, get fangirly, and do some cheap purikura in my town (it's all it's good for tbh). I just hope that I can wake up normally in the mornings and just do the things we want to do, instead of waking early, and sleeping into the afternoon to erase my pain, that's my biggest worry. I haven't slept 'normally' in my bed since March-ish. Being with a friend and sleeping just seems totally rude, but if I don't.. I'll probably be super-sick again. An annoying dilemma I have to face.
One of my close friends at school saw I was sad, so he's being a saint and trying to drag me out to the cinema soon. I'm very thankful to him, for being so sharp with his friends' feelings, and being able to notice things like that. I'm scared though, that he'll think he is being 'friend-zoned', but seeing as he knows about my crush, I'm not panicking just yet. I'm just thankful for him being here right now, even if it's sad he's not going to the same school as me in September.


Ah well, let's see how this next week goes..

Happiness? Where? [19/7]

I thought I'd feel a little better after I did my rant yesterday, but... I feel even worse now. I got angry at my Mum last night, as she hasn't made any plans, and with this event-less summer, I got very frustrated.

I stormed upstairs and cried for about an hour straight, nose bleeding and mouth watering all over my carpet. I don't know what got into me at one point, but I started to scratch at my face deeply. I only left red marks that faded quickly, but scarily, it felt good.

I managed to compose myself, wipe myself up and go back downstairs to face my mother. I apologised. 

I didn't even want to, after she played the naive card on my sadness. I feel like a spoilt brat for thinking she's in the wrong though. It's my 'depression', but I wish she'd be a little more understanding.

It's like when I was violently ill. I was sick 7 times in one morning, matched with the same number of fainting incidents, and I was in and out of hospital for two days. Yet, when her colleague sees my mother has to take a couple of mornings off to drive me to the hospital, she buys a whole huge boquet of flowers for her and a buttload of chocolate. I thought it was the other way around... The sick person gets those things? Supposedly my mother was 'anxious', but lord, if you had seen my anxiety attack on those few days...

I must sound so stupid for thinking that, as bratty as it sounds, I think I have been through a lot. I don't want flowers or chocolate, but it'd be nice knowing that someone acknowledged I was seriously ill and gave their support, instead of fawning over my mother for being 'so strong'.

/blogownerisabrat

I try not to sound selfish, but I really think I don't ask for much anymore. I try to hold off asking for things, as I realise I don't need them at all. I haven't bought anything expensive for myself in a while, and I'm glad.

But as the days go by, I only ask of one thing. And it seems like an 'expensive' item, because no-one can give it to me.

And that thing is happiness.

I pray everyday for happiness. I try my hardest in my conditions to work for happiness. I'm not expected for it to be handed on a plate for me, but I'd like karma to give me some slack for a day or so. Just so I can have a laugh or a smile, without feeling a pit of anxiety in my stomach.

But looking back on that, is asking for happiness selfish? Because no-one can give it to me, and I will have to achieve it myself? If so, I ask for advice in reaching my happiness, because what I'm doing clearly isn't working.

Just a rant [17/7]

I just wanted to write this to get the thoughts out of my head.

Lately, I think I've spiralled into depression.

I mean, I only say 'I think', because people have their own interpretation of depression, and this is mine. I also haven't been clinically identified with depression, so this is only my take.

I've been ill from around March/April time, with a kind-of anxiety struggle and possibly endometriosis. Every few weeks or so, I've been getting extreme anxiety attacks in the mornings, that lead to mass-vomiting and fainting. I've been in and out of the hospital, and I've seen my GP more times than I can remember. My GP thought it was due to me having my GCSE exams, as I was put under a lot of stress.

Trying to go through that exam period was hellish, as I would wake on the day of my exam, be sick multiple times, then had to be rushed to school to try and make myself in time for the morning exams. My mother kept saying 'You can always re-sit the exam!', but re-sitting my GCSEs in January when the rest of my friends could relax now, after two years of prep? I don't think so.

I'd manage to rouse myself into a well-enough state, so that I could sit my exams; and thankfully, most of them lasted no more than an hour or so, and after that time, I was free to go home and sleep off my pain.

But even when I finished my exams, I would still wake up with pains, in fact, I still do. I don't really know what's causing it, so after many trials of different medicines and drugs, I'm off for an endoscopy soon. I know that on the day of the endoscopy, I'll have an anxiety attack, even though I've been assured my one of my friends who had hers done recently, 'it'll be fine'.

I just hope it'll shine a light onto what's causing my pain, because if they tell me I'm just making the pains up, someone will get a smack around the face, both from me and my mother.

But that's only one half of my 'depression'. The other half comes with this endless Summer. I thought I'd enjoy having the house to myself, but after finishing school in mid-June, I'm starting to get bored... And lonely. It's been around 3-5 weeks already or so?

Most of my friends at school live about an hour away from me, by train, which firstly sucks. And secondly, the little town I live in doesn't have a train station, so I'd have to catch a bus to the nearest town that does have a train station, then get a train to see my friends, which would probably include taking another few buses.

The funny thing is, I hate English buses, as you have to have exact change, know precisely where you're going, and the people on the bus (including the driver) are very intimidating in my area.

And now that it's the summer holidays, everyone doesn't want to meet up anymore, or they're going on holiday. And for me, who isn't going anywhere on holiday, or doesn't have any other close friends, it hurts like hell to be this lonely. I want to go shopping and do all the normal things teenagers are supposed to do, but if there's nobody to do it with, what's the point?

Even if I did manage to find a friend to meet up with, the morning we meet up rolls around and I'll be struck with an anxiety attack that'll render me ill until the mid-afternoon.

I want to go have a fun time and enjoy myself this Summer, but for the next few weeks, I'll just be stuck at home with my computer, eating very little and watching the rain and wind hit the country. I'm seeing all my friends go off and do all these things, and I wish that I could join them.

My Japanese teacher is already in Japan, and she isn't returning until I go back to school, so the one Japanese lesson a week I could look forward to is now gone.

I have friends on the internet, but many of them live so far away from me. And I know that by September, the couple of friends I do have will be even further away from me than before. My close school friends aren't going to the same college as me, so I'll be alone then too.

I've seen the new people that will arrive at my school in September, but none of them appear to have the same interests as me anyway, so I'm pretty sure I'll be almost friendless by the end of the year.

With my friends that are going on holiday, they're going to the nicest places ever. One of my schoolfriends has gone to Egypt, and another is going to Japan at the end of this month. A part of me is glad they get to experience these things, but a smaller part of me is jealous.

My parents can't afford much right now, so that means cutting off the things that make me happy. Of course, I'd love to be able to go to Tokyo right now and spend the non-existent money I own. My mother can see I'm getting more and more sad by the day, both with my dwindling friend count, my inability to go to places I dream of, and with my health.

But even she knows there's nothing she can do about that, and it makes me wonder why my 'fate' is like this. I believe in God, but when I'm praying everyday for a change or a chance, I am left empty-handed; and when I'm spiralling into depression, it makes me wonder if my praying is doing anything at all? Or if I'm just being stupid, praying to a God many says does not exist?

People say to me 'Get a job, you'll be able to afford your own things!', but once again, living in a small town hinders me. It's rare in this economy for anyone to get a job, let alone for a qualification-less, young girl who lives in a town where jobs are very scarce? Trust me, if I could get a job, I would, it'd keep me occupied and it'd give me a small income.

There are a few other things that get me depressed, but I won't go into those, it'll open up a whole new can of worms, and I won't be able to stop.

I don't ask for much, but I only ask or wish of this, to have a close friend, who lives down the road or across town, so that I could at least have one person to talk to face-to-face, and have a fun time with. I appreciate all the friends I do have, but at the moment, I feel so empty and lonely, it feels like I have none at all.

Rain, rain. [10/7]

So today, like every other day for the past week, it has been raining here in England. I mean, I'm not going anywhere, so it's alright to sit inside and watch the rain fall, but it only leaves a depressing mood in my mind.
I wanted to go outside to learn some of Golden Bomber's 成龙很酷 dance, but with the rain, I thought I'd leave it for another day. I procrastinate so much when there's bad weather.

It feels hard to update this blog, since I have no real opinions, and nothing really happens in my life.

But before I go, a pet peeve.
People who walk slow. I am a long-legged girl, so people who shuffle slowly... Please, get out of my way. I feel so uneasy behind people like that, I am always conscious I'll trip or something...

Driftings [8/7]

So, the weekend is almost over. And I still have a couple of weeks home alone, as my brother hasn't finished up with school yet. I wouldn't mind, but living miles away from my friends, both ones I've met in real life, and those I've met over the internet, it's quite lonely by myself. Not many people want to come to my town anyway, it doesn't have much anymore, after they took out the bowling alley and all of the fashion clothes shops closed. 
I then think I'll be really happy when I can move out. Hopefully it won't be too soon. Maybe a couple of years, and maybe in that time, I'll have a job, and maybe even possibly have been to Japan. But I'm not keeping my hopes up. Watch me be age 25, still at home, slowly dying.


Watching Wimbledon today sorta cheered me up a little, though. It was good to see Andy Murray try his best, and even though he failed to win the final, he sorta spurs some courage into me. Makes me wanna take up tennis again, haha.


Even though today was unproductive and uneventful here, I guess I'll plod along, spending my Summer days like this everyday. I know some of my friends are going to Japan, and I wish them luck on their travels and whatnot. I'm not asking for gifts though, I'd probably get more upset or something stupid along those lines.


Meh. I'm out.

A new start? [7/7]

I thought I'd start up my blogspot again. Just as a place to rant about my gets, doings, feelings, whatnot. I doubt I'll remember to update it often, but we'll just have to see, I have a whole Summer ahead of me, full of nothing to do.


But today, I actually went into the scary place that is the outdoors, to the close town near us. I didn't actually intend to go, but because my Mum forgot her phone at the Orange shop, I decided it would be worth going, just to entertain myself. I ended up buying the 99th issue of NEO magazine (which contained an LM.C interview), a pair of jeans and some blue leopard print leggings. I saw some nice jumpers in the local New Look, but since I want to save my money, I decided not to.
I sometimes wonder what I'm saving up for. I have most the albums/CDs I want, and I'm not allowed to buy the clothes I really want anyway (I'm dreaming for Groucho, Super Lovers and Angelic Pretty items, which are expensive in their own right..).
I guess I keep telling myself I'll save up a plane ticket to Japan or something stupid like that. But of course, I crumble at around £100, and I laugh at how stupid I was, thinking I could go so easily.
Sometimes I bother why I try, I feel as if I'll just be as depressed as I am here even if I did go to Japan. I feel as if I'll be angry/upset for a long time.


As you can see, I can turn into an whinging teen in an instant.
(ノ_`)ハァ