I just wanted to write this to get the
thoughts out of my head.
Lately, I think I've spiralled into
depression.
I mean, I only say 'I think', because
people have their own interpretation of depression, and this is mine.
I also haven't been clinically identified with depression, so this is
only my take.
I've been ill from around March/April
time, with a kind-of anxiety struggle and possibly endometriosis.
Every few weeks or so, I've been getting extreme anxiety attacks in
the mornings, that lead to mass-vomiting and fainting. I've been in
and out of the hospital, and I've seen my GP more times than I can
remember. My GP thought it was due to me having my GCSE exams, as I
was put under a lot of stress.
Trying to go through that exam period
was hellish, as I would wake on the day of my exam, be sick multiple
times, then had to be rushed to school to try and make myself in time
for the morning exams. My mother kept saying 'You can always re-sit
the exam!', but re-sitting my GCSEs in January when the rest of my
friends could relax now, after two years of prep? I don't think so.
I'd manage to rouse myself into a
well-enough state, so that I could sit my exams; and thankfully, most
of them lasted no more than an hour or so, and after that time, I was
free to go home and sleep off my pain.
But even when I finished my exams, I
would still wake up with pains, in fact, I still do. I don't really
know what's causing it, so after many trials of different medicines
and drugs, I'm off for an endoscopy soon. I know that on the day of
the endoscopy, I'll have an anxiety attack, even though I've been
assured my one of my friends who had hers done recently, 'it'll be
fine'.
I just hope it'll shine a light onto
what's causing my pain, because if they tell me I'm just making the
pains up, someone will get a smack around the face, both from me and
my mother.
But that's only one half of my
'depression'. The other half comes with this endless Summer. I
thought I'd enjoy having the house to myself, but after finishing
school in mid-June, I'm starting to get bored... And lonely. It's
been around 3-5 weeks already or so?
Most of my friends at school live about
an hour away from me, by train, which firstly sucks. And secondly,
the little town I live in doesn't have a train station, so I'd have
to catch a bus to the nearest town that does have a train station,
then get a train to see my friends, which would probably include
taking another few buses.
The funny thing is, I hate English
buses, as you have to have exact change, know precisely where you're
going, and the people on the bus (including the driver) are very
intimidating in my area.
And now that it's the summer holidays,
everyone doesn't want to meet up anymore, or they're going on
holiday. And for me, who isn't going anywhere on holiday, or doesn't
have any other close friends, it hurts like hell to be this lonely. I
want to go shopping and do all the normal things teenagers are
supposed to do, but if there's nobody to do it with, what's the
point?
Even if I did manage to find a friend
to meet up with, the morning we meet up rolls around and I'll be
struck with an anxiety attack that'll render me ill until the
mid-afternoon.
I want to go have a fun time and enjoy
myself this Summer, but for the next few weeks, I'll just be stuck at
home with my computer, eating very little and watching the rain and
wind hit the country. I'm seeing all my friends go off and do all
these things, and I wish that I could join them.
My Japanese teacher is already in
Japan, and she isn't returning until I go back to school, so the one
Japanese lesson a week I could look forward to is now gone.
I have friends on the internet, but
many of them live so far away from me. And I know that by September,
the couple of friends I do have will be even further away from me
than before. My close school friends aren't going to the same college
as me, so I'll be alone then too.
I've seen the new people that will
arrive at my school in September, but none of them appear to have the
same interests as me anyway, so I'm pretty sure I'll be almost
friendless by the end of the year.
With my friends that are going on
holiday, they're going to the nicest places ever. One of my
schoolfriends has gone to Egypt, and another is going to Japan at the
end of this month. A part of me is glad they get to experience these
things, but a smaller part of me is jealous.
My parents can't afford much right
now, so that means cutting off the things that make me happy. Of
course, I'd love to be able to go to Tokyo right now and spend the
non-existent money I own. My mother can see I'm getting more and more
sad by the day, both with my dwindling friend count, my inability to
go to places I dream of, and with my health.
But even she knows there's nothing she
can do about that, and it makes me wonder why my 'fate' is like this.
I believe in God, but when I'm praying everyday for a change or a
chance, I am left empty-handed; and when I'm spiralling into
depression, it makes me wonder if my praying is doing anything at
all? Or if I'm just being stupid, praying to a God many says does not
exist?
People say to me 'Get a job, you'll be
able to afford your own things!', but once again, living in a small
town hinders me. It's rare in this economy for anyone to get a job,
let alone for a qualification-less, young girl who lives in a town
where jobs are very scarce? Trust me, if I could get a job, I would,
it'd keep me occupied and it'd give me a small income.
There are a few other things that get
me depressed, but I won't go into those, it'll open up a whole new
can of worms, and I won't be able to stop.
I don't ask for much, but I only ask or
wish of this, to have a close friend, who lives down the road or
across town, so that I could at least have one person to talk to
face-to-face, and have a fun time with. I appreciate all the friends
I do have, but at the moment, I feel so empty and lonely, it feels
like I have none at all.
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