Daydreamer [29/7]

I think today was both a good and bad day.
Last night, I was looking at Polaroid cameras, and after counting my pennies, I have enough for the Fuji Fujifilm Instax Mini 7s and 5 boxes of film. I love the idea of taking polaroids whenever I want. After discovering Maid and Jrocker Chekis a few years ago, it'll be cool to be able to take my own and whatnot. I've been looking at some paint pens too, so I can 'deco' them and whatnot. I hope I won't be taking them all by myself though. Hopefully I'll be able to use it with friends in the near future.


But a problem I've been facing lately is daydreaming. I've been trying not to do it, but in this heat, it feels like I'm in a little cocoon of warm thoughts. Most of the time, the thoughts and dreams are harmless, like eating a buttload of strawberries and orange juice (my diet nowadays, ahaha.) and imaging how the rabbit would react if we put her in the paddling pool (cruel, but that hasn't been attempted).
But some dreams sort of punch me back into reality, and it feels quite cruel. I've often been dreaming of an imaginary boyfriend/lover of sorts. 
We're usually in Japan somewhere, enjoying a nice day shopping or relaxing by the beach, smiling and happy together. The streets look so real, and I can almost smell the food and pollution of the cars going past on busy roads. The funny thing is, everything is so clear and vivid, apart from the boy's face. All I know is, I am happy with that person.
I often get these 'mirages' in the early morning, and what strikes me is... They're so real. So when I snap out of it, to find myself in my own bed, with no sign of this boy, it's heart-breaking. Not only because he's not real, but also because I know that I probably won't ever have a relationship like that.


I've never had a boyfriend before, as sad as that seems at age 16, quickly drawing to 17. And with what is to come in the future, I really don't expect to see myself to see myself with anyone for the next 2-3 years anyway, what with school and everything.
I guess I'm just frightened it'll be like that for all of my young life. Too busy with work, to secluded from people, different tastes from people... People say to me 'Oh, it'll happen when it happens, you'll be fine.', but to see my 13 year old brother already have girlfriends before I've had a boyfriend, it knocks me back a little. I'm not jealous of him, it's just surprising he got to go through that experience before his older sister did.


A part of me likes this seclusion, but the other side of me, the lonely side of me, probably the logical side of me, is screaming. I hope I'm proven wrong soon. I don't want to be called frigid for the rest of my young life.